My testmonie today, Ushuhuda wangu kwako

MY STORY :: Jeremy Coward

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My name is Jeremy.  I am a husband to my beautiful wife, a proud father of two young boys and today, a devoted follower of Jesus Christ.   At 37, I have more joy in my life than I ever imagined possible, having been freed by Jesus from a life of slavery to sexual sin.
My battle and earliest childhood memories started when at the age of 5 or 6, I was exposed to my first pornographic image and ‘shown’ how to masturbate.  That experience gave birth to a self-serving attitude that years later would nearly destroy my marriage and my life.  With no real moral compass in place at home and experiencing deep feelings of abandonment, as a very young boy I began to ‘act out’ my sexuality with other young boys in the neighborhood and did so for the next 5 or 6 years.  I knew I was wrong.  I felt gross.  I was ashamed of my behavior and inevitably felt tremendous guilt after each homosexual experience.
At 11 years old my parents divorced, I stopped my homosexual behaviors and shifted my attention to any young girl willing to participate.  I began regularly using drugs, alcohol and other household substances to numb my pain.  From the 7^th grade through my college years my slavery to drugs, alcohol and pornography intensified.  I found I needed more and more intense stimuli to feel the same level of ‘satisfaction’.  When magazines and internet images were no longer enough and as my ‘freedoms’ increased, my attention gravitated to private strippers, gentlemen’s clubs and adult stores.  I treated sex like a god by hoping in it to pacify my pain and to find the intimacy and love I was denied as a young boy.
When Jesus saved me at the age of 26, I foolishly thought life would get easier and my slavery to sex would go away.  I’d marry, have a few children, serve and honor Jesus Christ in every aspect of my life, and live the rest of my days ‘happier ever after’.  Well, I did marry.  I did have a couple children.  Daily I tried to serve and honor Jesus Christ with my life—but I will tell you the first 9 years of our marriage were some of the toughest of my entire life.  Early, serious sin occurred in my marriage and naturally caused my wife to retreat.  Sexually, emotionally and spiritually, my wife became unavailable to me.  As my wife and I drifted apart, becoming mere roommates, the temptations became overwhelmingly difficult to fight off.  Within just a few years I had fallen back into a full life of sexual slavery again.  I was incapable of feeling.  I was incapable of experiencing a real relationship with a real woman.   My life was a lie and nearly everything in it was based on the lie that sex could satisfy my deepest needs.
How could this have happened?  How could I have allowed myself to fall so far away from a loving God and literally watch my life fall apart?  I was deeply depressed and was dying spiritually every day.  Seven years into our marriage, for seconds of ‘pleasure,’ I very literally became the “3:00AM man with my pants around my ankles that Jesus came to save” and solicited the services of a prostitute in Las Vegas.  For the next 2 years I lied to my wife, to myself, and to every person I knew.  I was disgusted with myself.  I no longer wanted to live and had seriously contemplated suicide but by now had 2 young children at home.
Heavily influenced by godly friends who loved me enough to confront me in my sin, in January of 2011, I chose to repent of my sin instead of hiding it.  For years I had been ‘sorry’ for the consequences of my sin but only focused on behavior modification and simply ‘trying harder’ to overcome the sin in my life and to make my marriage work.  As such, I never genuinely experienced God’s grace and inevitably my efforts failed.  It wasn’t until I honestly accepted and acknowledged my sin before God that the Holy Spirit radically transformed the condition of my heart and allowed me to experience true Godly sorrow and understand the depth of pain I’d caused.  Ultimately I worked up the courage and fully confessed my sin to my wife, the secrets that had not only plagued our marriage but also that had plagued my entire life.  I shared every aspect of my struggle, including the countless ways I had betrayed our marriage and failed to be the loving husband I had vowed to be.  I expected the worst, knowing that The Bible permitted Wendy to divorce me for my adultery.  Intensifying the pressure, I was considering a career change which involved a move from Denver, where I had spent my entire life, to Nashville.
The move resulted in a ‘forced’ separation since I needed to be in Nashville for work.  As such, my wife and I spent the months of January and February apart.  During this time I prayed.  I continually asked God to reveal the sin in my life and to show me ways I could love my wife well.  Most importantly, I learned to appreciate and openly receive the forgiveness and cleansing in Jesus, who had been crucified for my sin.  Each day I dug deep into God’s Word and did everything I could to begin rebuilding the life and marriage that I had destroyed.  I had accountability in place.  I accounted for every dollar spent to my wife and made sure she had full access to all technology in the home as well as providing her with minute-by-minute detail of my location, meeting times and names of those in attendance.  While this may seem extreme, these were all necessary measures for me to live with integrity, walk in repentance, and begin the long process of rebuilding trust with Wendy.  As the days passed and as my wife began to see true repentance in my life and new commitment to our family, she decided to move to Nashville so we could commence the restoration of our marriage and family.
Today, nearly 1 year and 3 months following the full disclosure, my wonderful wife and I are doing better than we ever have.  As you might imagine, we both have significant pain we are working through as a result of our destructive past, but our communication continues to open up and our level of transparency and intimacy is increasing daily.  Trust is slowly gained and quickly lost, but my wife has fallen back in love with me and is learning to trust me all over again. This is a process, but it’s one I’m gladly committed to.  I am no longer living as an imposter, but walking in the light, knowing Jesus has cleansed me from my sin.  No longer am I hiding behind masks, but embracing my identity in Jesus.  No longer am I living my life in sinful selfishness, spinning a web of destructive lies.  Rather, I’ve surrendered my life to the headship of Jesus Christ, and as a result, experiencing forgiveness, freedom, and a joy that I know firsthand cannot be found in slavery to sin.  I have been forgiven and redeemed and I am now filled with a deep passion to fight against the wave of sexual immorality that is sweeping across our country and destroying the lives and marriages of those in its path.
Thank you Jesus for Your grace, Your kindness and Your mercy, and for showing me there is a way to live humbly and honorably before You.  Please continue to mold me into a husband, a father and a friend that will glorify You alone.  Please use my story and my life as a witness of your redemption and as a sign of hope for any man (or woman) that has lost hope.  There is hope and the hope is available to anyone willing to die to themselves and place their life and sincere faith in the trusting care of Jesus.